Prettiest, most-expensive, smartest, dumbest dog in the world

Well, it's been a while since I've updated the blog.

In September I was going to write that she was doing well and such a good dog, then October came and she ate part of our sofa, so I was going to write about how she was a bad dog.

So we started putting her in the kitchen, closing the door down to the basement, and putting a wood/wire pet gate in the doorway to block off the rest of the house. And a chair in front of that so she wouldn't think about jumping. ... and then I came home one day (after 3 days of this restriction) to find that she had chewed part of the chair, most of the wood, and broken several of the metal wires in the gate ... until she was freed.

Free, but missing. I searched the house high and low ... every room with an open door was searched. No dog. I finally found her in the bathroom, in the dark, with the door closed. I guess she went in and backed up, closing the door on her own. That made her a dumb dog.

Once I saw that she was ok, I stormed down to the basement and found the pieces of her old crate, setting it up again. She looked at me while I threw the pieces together with an expression of, "Oh, I've really done it this time."

Yes, she had.

So we crated her for about two weeks ... until the day I came home and found her greeting me at the front door. I blamed Mark for not locking the crate. It was the logical thing to do.

The next day he reassured me over and over again that he locked the crate before he left for work, and once again I was greeted at the door by a tail-wagging puppy after work. The crate wasn't working.

I have trouble opening that thing from the outside, WITH thumbs! How in the world ... ?

That made her the smartest dog in the world.

So we began letting her free in the basement, blocking the back of the bar and closing the door to the upstairs, so she could have some freedom, but not everything. I was not going to come home to a chewed-up sofa again.

I came home to find that she had tried going outside on her own. There are TEETH MARKS on the doorknob to the backyard. Luckily, that door requires a key in the deadbolt to open it, otherwise, I think she'd have played out back for a bit. I swear ... if she figures out the whole "get the key off the hook, put it in the keyhole, turn, and open" ritual while I'm gone, I'm outta here. I can't deal with a dog that talented.

And now we just crate her in the morning, gently somewhat locking the locks (so she doesn't get hurt unlocking them), and leave her be in the house, hoping she doesn't destroy anything. And for the past few days, she's been pretty good.

Until today.

Have you ever come home from work to a situation in your home when you just wish you could turn around, get back in your car, and drive around for another 90 minutes in the ice storm you somehow just survived, hoping/praying it would all go away?

She got into a bag I left by the door ... a plastic zipped lunch bag that I sometimes carry to work, sometimes leave by the door. She never bothers it.

Today I found (spread throughout the living/dining rooms):
1 sharpie, cap off and 2 feet away
1 blue ink pen, chewed, all pieces accounted for
1 wrapper for chocolate chip cookies, 2 large cookies missing
1 empty box of junior caramels (chocolate covered)
1 chewed, almost-empty tube of Cortaid creme
1 bag of microwave buttered popcorn, 1/2 missing, 1/2 spread throughout the house
1 plastic lunchbag, destroyed
1 weekly pamphlet from weight watchers on the importance of exercise (I won't miss this much)

I called the vet with one of those, "Let's pretend you have a 100lb. dog and you came home to find that she had eaten ... " scenarios. They said that if she were a smaller dog, he'd worry, but at her size ... she should be fine.

I quit.